Sometimes I read an author and I wish that I could spend time with them, receiving their wisdom, being coached by them or simply hanging out and shooting the breeze.

One such man is Anthony de Mello, teacher, priest and therapist.

He likely had that glint in the eye, seeing through all the seriousness we impart on life, marvelling at the cosmic comedy we are a minuscule player in.

I love this book, well-thumbed and one that I sometimes share with clients. The theme? Waking up…

Simultaneously enlightening, hilarious, provocative, soothing and confrontational. You CAN handle the truth…One choice quote for your reflections:

“We always want someone else to change so that we will feel good. But has it ever struck you that even if your wife changes or your husband changes, what do you do? You’re just as vulnerable as before; you’re just as idiotic as before; you’re just as asleep as before. You are the one who needs to change, who needs to take medicine. You keep insisting, “I feel good because the world is right.” Wrong! The world is right because I feel good. That’s what all the mystics are saying.”

How much of life do we spend on autopilot, playing out our programming, reacting from the past, experiencing what we expect, not what is, resisting rather than embracing reality.

As ‘Tony’ would have shouted at me over a glass of wine:

“DON’T WAKE UP! WHY? YOU DON’T REALLY WANT TO, DO YOU?”

When I serve one person or one business powerfully, my good work actually touches many, many lives. It’s a ripple effect. For me, one happier, more fulfilled and productive coaching client positively impacts on everyone around them – their family, colleagues, friends, customers, etc.

And this applies in all areas of my life – by living in alignment to my values and doing my bit to make the world a kinder, more connected and more understanding place, I touch many lives.

And so do you…

Reflecting on this got me thinking about how I got to be doing what I am doing today and how I am doing it.

I traced my approach to coaching all the way back to the living legend that is Steve Hardison, known as The Ultimate Coach. One of his first coaching clients was Steve Chandler, who is affectionately known as the Godfather of Coaching. One of the many powerful and impactful coaches that Steve Chandler worked with was Michael Neill, to whom he recommended the fantastic book ‘The Relationship Handbook’ by Dr George Pransky, a book that is transformational in its message, not just in the realms of the intimate relationships of those who read it. Michael Neill was already a very successful coach who, as result of reading the book, pivoted and wrote one of my favourite books, The Inside Out Revolution, inspired by the work of the Scottish welder turned mystic Sydney Banks; this book then changed my life.

So, just one coaching relationship resulted in an enormous ripple effect, and through my work and that of countless others, continues to ripple.

I am currently embarking on a new learning journey with 20 exceptional coaches and human beings (believe me, I’ve read everyone’s warts n all auto-bio written just for this school) with the master of enrolment and creativity Ankush Jain as part of his new Coaching Career School. If we were to fast forward a generation, I wonder how many positive, healthy and transformational ripples we collectively we will have created in the world.

We can all do our by being of service, being kind, helping each other, giving unconditionally, going above and beyond, which I hope sends healthy ripples into the world, which of course is needed now more than ever.

Both the challenge and joy of working as a coach is in the ongoing journey of deepening my learning of models and theories for understanding human behaviour and navigating life as thinking, feeling creatures.

A current client is concerned that a significant person in their life has traits of narcissism.

In my client’s world, the best course of action would be for this person to concede they are indeed narcissistic and to seek professional help from a clinical psychologist or psychotherapist. This may or may not happen and my focus is on supporting my client, in the first instance, to:

• Identity the dominant triggering behaviours and circumstances.
• Navigate and explore their own inner world to identify what is activated within them as a result of their relationship.
• Support them to access their secure and mature adult state in communicating and engaging with this person.

I’ve been further my understanding through the book ‘Disarming the Narcissist’ by Wendy T. Behary. The book’s foundation is schema therapy and utilises the 18 early maladaptive schemas identified by Jeffrey Young (e.g., abandonment, emotional deprivation, self-sacrifice, approval seeking). These schemas shape how we think, feel and behave, and in this context how our own schemas interact with those of the narcissist, much of which is either happening outside of our conscious awareness or feels beyond our control.

Taking a step back, what I notice is that no matter what the psychological theory is, a fundamental challenge that we all face as human beings is to live from a healthy and whole state of being moment to moment. Schema, like other theories, offer a vocabulary for understanding how early childhood experiences can fundamentally shape how we show up as adults.

The goal? To be un-triggerable (a subset of which is to be un-f$£k with able).

Laudable, but not realistic?

I recently read that 80% of our moment-to-moment reactions to life are automatic and habitual. In times of stress that notional figure probably increases for most people (notice what happens when we are emotionally hijacked).

But when we are fully present and embodying a fully felt sense of autonomy and agency, perhaps that figure reduces significantly – responding to what is as resourcefully as we possibly can, free of expectation and self-damaging reactivity.

For me, that is the ongoing goal, to live mindfully, present to what is, aware of how our past can act as a distorting filter, whilst being conscious of how our state of mind in the moment is shaping our experience and capacity to respond in a healthy way that honours and protects our needs, rights and in extreme situations, our physical and emotional safety.

From this self-aware place, perhaps we give ourselves the best chance for navigating and disarming narcissistic or other controlling, manipulative or maladaptive behaviours from those around us, whether it’s a partner, family member, boss, colleague or friend. Not easy, and sometimes traumatising, but as ever, an opportunity for growth.