IS FINDING YOUR PURPOSE IN LIFE IMPORTANT?

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I have frequent conversations with clients who are looking for greater meaning and purpose in their life. There are many ways to explore and identify our purpose and there is no one size fits all approach. But what is purpose?

Simply put, purpose is a reason for being, a reason for something to exist.

Research has shown that people with a clear sense of purpose experience greater happiness, health and fulfilment in life. On the other hand, some people consider that life at its core is purposeless and that our sole purpose should be simply to enjoy the brief time that we have on Earth.

“Make your work to be in keeping with your purpose.” Leonardo da Vinci

One such approach to exploring purpose is the westernised version of ‘Ikigai’ (reason for being), appropriated from Japanese culture, as shown in the Venn diagram here. This concept is orientated around our career and represented by exploring the four intersecting areas of:

  • What you LOVE
  • What the world NEEDS
  • What you can get PAID FOR
  • What you are GOOD AT

The Ikigai process can be a very useful tool for taking stock of where we are in life. Indeed, if you have a job or primary occupation that hits all four of these areas, you are very fortunate.

Three out of four aint bad you might say but does create a ‘gap’. For example, how many of us have something we are good at and love doing, whilst meeting a need but struggle to get paid for it? Or those of us that find ourselves doing a job we can get paid well for doing well, the world does need, but it just does not light our fire?

In isolation the Ikigai process gives us a few clues as to why we may not be satisfied with aspects of our professional life, which we can then use as an invitation to step back and assess whether we want to make a change. From a coaching perspective the focus is very much on helping you explore what it is that you truly love (what makes you come alive) and on drawing out your unique gifts and talents.

A BROADER PERSPECTIVE

“True happiness… is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”  Helen Keller

Of course, what we do for a living is not the whole picture. To a native of Japan, the word Ikigai means something different, being more about appreciation of the small things in life, embracing our daily rituals, living in the present moment, connecting with nature and being of service to others. More broadly, for some people, simply acknowledging that their career is a means to an end is just fine and enables them to find meaning and purpose in other areas of their life such as in:

  • Raising their family and caring for loved ones.
  • Volunteering and being an active member of their local community.
  • Connecting with and protecting wildlife and the natural environment.
  • Tackling and advocacy against inequality and social injustice.

Indeed, for those without a career or job, purpose can be expressed in many different ways and usually involves a wholehearted commitment to serving others.

LETTING PURPOSE FIND YOU

As a life coach I create a safe space for clients to explore new possibilities, whilst tackling mental blocks and obstacles – this usually means letting go of limiting beliefs, challenging our assumptions about life and transcending old stories and narratives that have created limitation or a sense of powerlessness or apathy. We can also innocently fall into the trap of complacency and living a ‘comfortably numb’ kind of life, but it does not have to be that way.

“As you open yourself to living at your edge, your deepest purpose will slowly begin to make itself known.” David Deida

I see exploring purpose as a process of removing extraneous layers, simplifying and clarifying until what is left is a pure distillation of what is truly most important to us and that which gives us a deep sense of aliveness. Motivation and inspiration usually arise when we are fully aligned to our purpose.

In fact, our purpose may evolve and change over time and exploring purpose in itself can be a fulfilling means to an end if we are willing and curious enough.

“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.”  Buddha

HOW BECOMING A BETTER LISTENER WILL IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

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Think of someone in your life who you experience as being a truly great listener. What qualities do they possess? What makes them different? Open, curious, empathetic, engaging and interested are words we commonly associate with great listeners. And on the flipside, how do you feel in their presence? How are you different when deeply listened to?

From my experience, great listening comes from putting aside what is bubbling away in our minds and placing our undivided focus and attention on the person who in front of us. Below are some tips and ideas to help you cultivate deeper listening skills.

Nancy Cline, author of the influential book Time to Think developed a model called the ‘Thinking Environment’, a key premise of which is that it is quality of our attention and listening that determines the quality of other people’s thinking.

YES, GREAT LISTENERS HELP US THINK BETTER.

Why would that be? Well, when we feel safe, witnessed and at ease, we speak without fear of being judged, interrupted or criticised: – as a result a more creative flow of thinking is ignited and whatever it is we are sharing has space to develop and grow. Indeed, when we are feeling defensive, what happens to the quality of our thinking and what we are saying? Yes, we close down, our attention narrows, and strong emotions can hinder our capacity to communicate effectively.

This is also a component of effective modern leadership, working from the assumption that someone has all the internal resources, creativity and know how to solve a problem or overcome a challenge, they just need to be supported and empowered to realise this (the opposite being a command and control, ‘do as I say’ approach).

When working with couples or with teams experiencing conflict, I invite people to take themselves out of the equation when listening, the direct opposite of which is listening with an intent to reply, to compete, criticise, compare or win – such conversations rarely end well from that place. Listening without judgement is an art and a counterpoint to the human tendency for confirmation bias – that is, seeking to confirm our existing assumptions and beliefs.

Here, there and everywhere, where are you?

“First seek to understand, then to be understood.” Stephen R Covey

In group trainings I lead participants through a simple listening exercise – working in pairs, the instruction is to take turns in listening to each other for 5 minutes each. Person A talks (on any subject, usually something that interests or excites them) whilst Person B simply listens and stays completely silent. Now, Person A (the talker) often feels uncomfortable, as we are used to a conversation back and forth and social cues that acknowledge what people are saying. But the real locus of the learning for the exercise is on Person B (the listener). What people notice is there is a ‘constant narrator’ inside their heads when listening, as they seek make sense of what is being said, pattern matching and comparing with stored memories and knowledge. Yes, it is natural to want to acknowledge, ask questions and share our point of view, but people often realise that there is listening, and then there is listening, and we can tend more towards listening to our own minds rather than who is front of us, or listening to respond rather than to understand.

Tip 1: Notice where your focus is and take a moment to become more present to who is front of you. Then step into the other person’s world, imagine them to be the most interesting person you’ve met. Be curious about how they express themselves, what they are seeking to convey, and what they may be communicating at a deeper level.

Giving each other Time to Think

Now turn your focus to how you feel when you are deeply listened to, whether at home, with friends or at work. In the distracted, ‘always on’ culture we live in, we are constantly drawn away from the here and now, another shiny thing that is vying to steal our attention. But it’s when we get really present that something magical can happen.

Nancy Cline, author of the influential book Time to Think developed a model called the ‘Thinking Environment’, a key premise of which is that it is quality of our attention and listening that determines the quality of other people’s thinking – yes, great listeners help us think better. Why would that be? Well, when we feel safe, witnessed and at ease, we speak without fear of being judged, interrupted or criticised: – as a result a more creative flow of thinking is ignited and whatever it is we are sharing has space to develop and grow. Indeed, when we are feeling defensive, what happens to the quality of our thinking and what we are saying? Yes, we close down, our attention narrows, and strong emotions can hinder our capacity to communicate effectively.

This is also a component of effective modern leadership, working from the assumption that someone has all the internal resources, creativity and know how to solve a problem or overcome a challenge, they just need to be supported and empowered to realise this (the opposite being a command and control, ‘do as I say’ approach).

When working with couples or with teams experiencing conflict, I invite people to take themselves out of the equation when listening, the direct opposite of which is listening with an intent to reply, to compete, criticise, compare or win – such conversations rarely end well from that place. Listening without judgement is an art and a counterpoint to the human tendency for confirmation bias – that is, seeking to confirm our existing assumptions and beliefs.

Tip 2: When listening, take yourself out of the picture and practice more compassion – what is the other person struggling with, what are they finding difficult? What do they need? How can you help them or be of service? What can you agree on? What would a neutral observer say? What are you assuming that is getting in the way of really hearing them? Celebrate their uniqueness, show appreciation, acknowledge their model of the world.

The role of State of Mind

What determines the quality of your listening?

For most people, when they are feeling stressed or anxious or are experiencing a very busy mind, their capacity to listen is greatly diminished. And when we are relaxed, focused on the moment and at ease, we can really listen. Cultivating greater self-awareness and the capacity to regulate our emotions (key components of emotion intelligence) can have a huge impact on our capacity to listen well. Similarly, if someone we are with is visibly overwhelmed, or has a busy head, what they most need is both to feel safe and for their mind and feeling state to settle down. Indeed, I will often start a coaching session with some simple breathing exercises – what a perfect way to set the conditions for a conversation, as we arrive into the present moment and let everything else fall away.

Tip 3: Notice how your own feeling state impacts on your capacity to be present and truly listen, and likewise, adjust your way of being (e.g., slow down or acknowledge their state) with someone who is in a place of overwhelm.

Finally, the invitation is to see that as social animals we all possess a fundamental drive for social connection, to feel safe and for our existence to be valued. Great listening ignites a deep part of what it is to be human in us, as listener, and for the listened to.